Warren’s long burgers

publish Opened 2022-11-08. From Musings on everything else.

I love upscale burgers. I even maintain a burger tier list on this blog! However a common issue I’ve noticed at most upscale restaurants is that they make their burgers way too tall:

Taller than evolution intended (Son and Garden)

To eat something like this, your options are either: (A) chomp partial bites into the burger, never quite slicing top-to-bottom, thereby missing its full range of flavors; or (B) dislocate your jaw to eat it in one bite like a snake, or something like that, idk.

There’s surely a better way. So I’m writing this open letter to all restaurants; you can do option (C): Just use wider buns, and spread your burger ingredients flatter.

I’m calling this idea Warren’s long burgers. Spread the word!

But let me prove it to you

Here’s a burger before applying the Warren’s Long Burgers principle:

And here’s that same burger afterwards:

They use the same volume of everything! Math behind this: Warren’s long burgers math

For funsies, here’s the same diagram but using AI to paint over and visualize it:

Tall version.

Even ChatGPT recognizes it’s too tall (source conversation)!

And here’s the same, flattened burger:

OK I guess it looks pretty similar, but we’re all AI art skeptics these days.

Appendix: Tall burger hall of shame

Just gonna use this article to document the abominations I’ve seen but not eaten.

From DoorDash, in San Francisco

Inside Tokyo Tower’s food court